Week 3 was not particularly interested in competitive football.
Three games were decided by 30+, Beans hung 188.92, Preach beat the reigning champ by 56.28, and Houle continued his archaeological expedition toward the bottom of the Sewer.
Some teams made statements. Some teams found life. Some teams apparently entered a silent sabbatical.
PREACH 158.98 // CHAN 102.70
COUCH SHOPPING IS NOT A VALID DEFENSE
Chabby told the boys he was out couch shopping.
Apparently he left the football team there too.
Preach handed the reigning champion a 56.28-point Belt to Ass. Chan managed one monster performance, but there simply wasn’t enough behind it to make this thing competitive.
The injuries matter. Chan’s roster has been getting dragged through the medical tent since Week 2, and the reigning champ has been trying to piece together a lineup from the wreckage.
But at some point, 102.70 is 102.70.
Last week Chabby was in the trainer’s room. This week he was furniture shopping.
The crown is beginning to collect dust.
DRAG 169.04 // BUG 138.20
DUCK SEASON
Garth spent the weekend in the duck blind murdering ducks.
Apparently he killed a Bug while he was there.
Bug didn’t exactly lay an egg at 138.20, but Drag brought too much ammunition. Production came from all over the lineup, and Garth never really gave Bug an opening to climb back into it.
After Bug’s brutal late-night collapse against Beans last week, he finally made it home from Europe only to find Garth waiting for him in camouflage.
Welcome home.
Birds down. Bug down.
BEANS 188.92 // HERM 119.16
DAD STRENGTH
The baby still hasn’t arrived.
Apparently Beans has decided to spend the waiting period beating the shit out of fathers who already have children.
The father-to-be dropped the highest score in Shy City this week: 188.92. This wasn’t one player dragging him across the finish line either. Beans got production everywhere and turned the matchup into a firing squad.
Herm—the father of three just trying to feed his family—never had a chance.
One week after Davante Adams put Herm on his back and helped him gently put his brother Bru to sleep, the aggressive rebuilder came crashing back to earth.
Father-to-be: 188.92.
Father of three: 119.16.
The children will be eating leftovers this week.
TRES 142.48 // BRU 123.84
ROCKY LIVES
He’s alive.
After an 0–2 start and two weeks of radio silence, Tres Rocks finally escaped the Sewer and took down Bru 142.48–123.84.
And wouldn’t you know it?
Tres suddenly remembered the group chat password.
Rocky has been chatting it up ever since getting his first W. Amazing what one victory can do for a man’s cellular service.
Bru couldn’t generate enough production across the lineup to keep pace, and Tres finally got the result he desperately needed.
The SEWER DWELLER / LEAGUE DONATOR pillory can officially be unlocked. For now.
Rocky is out of the Sewer. And apparently back on the internet.
GATOR 153.66 // HOULE 114.46
THE REAL OUTDOORSMAN
Big Rig brought the outdoorsman gimmick into a matchup with Gator.
Bad jurisdiction.
Gator threw 153.66 worth of lumber and sent Houle straight back underground. Big Rig answered with 114.46, dropped to 0–3, and now owns the only winless record in Shy City.
That’s not enough lumber. That’s kindling.
And perhaps even more concerning than the record: Houle remains on his silent sabbatical.
No wins. No chatter. No correspondence from the depths.
At this point, we might not hear from Houle until Christmas.
The Sewer changes people.
🤖 PREACHBOT RECEIPTS
Week 3: 3–2 SU · 3–2 ATS · 0–1 Direwolf
Season: 11–4 SU · 8–7 ATS · 1–2 Direwolf
PreachBot stayed above water on both the moneyline and the spread, but the Direwolf got taken behind the woodshed when Beans dropped 188.92 on Herm.
🎙️ PRESSER WATCH: CHAN
102.70 points. Lowest score in Shy City this week.
The reigning champion gets the microphone.
AFTER THREE
3–0: Preach, Gator
2–1: Drag, Beans
1–2: Bug, Herm, Bru, Chan, Tres
0–3: Houle
Two undefeated teams remain. Preach and Gator sit at 3–0.
Drag and Beans are right behind them at 2–1 after both handled business in Week 3.
Then comes the traffic jam: Bug, Herm, Bru, Chan and Tres all sit at 1–2.
But the vibes within that group couldn’t be more different.
Rocky finally has a pulse. After two weeks of losing and radio silence, Tres escaped the Sewer, got his first W, and immediately started chirping in the group chat again.
Meanwhile, Houle remains 0–3 and alone in the Sewer. And still silent.
See you at Christmas, brother.
Three weeks down. The Sewer is open for business.
