THE WEEKLY RAVEN // WEEK 1 // FINAL
BELT TO ASS
Week 1 delivered one public execution, one half-point escape, a failed Direwolf and the first official PreachBot receipts of the 2026 season.
PREACHBOT WEEK 1
SU 4–1 · ATS 2–3 · DIREWOLF 0–1 · Herm to the presser
FEATURED RESULT // WEEK 1
PREACH 192.98 // HERM 113.38
Margin: 79.60 · FTSB: Preach -36.0
THE GREAT AWAKENING
PREACH
192.98
FINAL
BELT TO ASS
SU ✅ · ATS ✅
HERM A COKE HEAD
JP / HERM
113.38
There is losing, and then there is Belt to Ass. Herm spent Sunday drinking at the Vikings game with T-Mart, watching Minnesota stumble through the first half before roaring back against Green Bay. The little St. Cloud Husky apparently expected the same rescue in Shy City.
It never came. Preach dropped the highest score of the week and beat Herm by 79.60. The Vikings found a comeback. Herm found a press conference.
WEEK 1 // FINAL BOARD
FIVE BATTLES. FIVE RECEIPTS.
Frozen FTSB lines used for grading
| Battle | Final | FTSB Line | PreachBot |
|---|---|---|---|
| Preach def. Herm | 192.98–113.38 | Preach -36.0 | SU ✅ · ATS ✅ |
| Bug def. Houle | 143.48–114.34 | Bug -25.5 | SU ✅ · ATS ✅ |
| Bru def. Beans | 114.72–114.16 | Beans -24.5 | SU ❌ · ATS ❌ |
| Chan def. Drag | 144.08–123.50 | Chan -21.5 | SU ✅ · ATS ❌ |
| BDR def. Tres | 177.90–143.96 | BDR -10.0 | SU ✅ · Tres +10 ❌ · Direwolf ❌ |
THE WEEK 1 AUTOPSY
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED
INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT
BUG 143.48 // HOULE 114.34
Bug spent the weekend somewhere between Southern Spain and France eating like a king, drinking vino and still found time to cover 25.5 from another continent. Houle did not lose to a lineup manager. He lost to a vacation itinerary.
PREACHBOT: Bug SU ✅ · Bug -25.5 ✅
TEN TOES UP
BRU 114.72 // BEANS 114.16
T-Mart was beside Herm at the Vikings game, drinking through the first-half misery and celebrating the comeback. Beans apparently went ten toes up on the couch a fraction too early. The Quiet Killer lost by 0.56.
PREACHBOT: Beans SU ❌ · Beans -24.5 ❌
THE KING SURVIVES THE NUMBER
CHAN 144.08 // DRAG 123.50
Chan opened the title defense with a 20.58-point win. Good enough for the standings, not good enough for FTSB. The lone Bears fan gets the victory but leaves PreachBot holding a losing -21.5 ticket.
PREACHBOT: Chan SU ✅ · Chan -21.5 ❌
DIREWOLF DOWN
BDR 177.90 // TRES 143.96
Tres scored 143.96 and still got handled. BDR dropped the second-highest score of the week and beat the Direwolf by 33.94. PreachBot found the winner and absolutely whiffed on the dog.
PREACHBOT: BDR SU ✅ · Tres +10 ❌ · Direwolf ❌
PRESSER WATCH // WEEK 1
HERM TO THE PODIUM
113.38 points — lowest score in Shy City. Herm gets the Week 1 presser after receiving Belt to Ass from Preach. Video due before Thursday Night Football kickoff.
WEEK 1 // SCORING BOARD
HIGH TO LOW
Herm owns the first presser
| RK | Manager | Points |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Preach | 192.98 |
| 2 | BDR | 177.90 |
| 3 | Chan | 144.08 |
| 4 | Tres | 143.96 |
| 5 | Bug | 143.48 |
| 6 | Drag | 123.50 |
| 7 | Bru | 114.72 |
| 8 | Houle | 114.34 |
| 9 | Beans | 114.16 |
| 10 | Herm | 113.38 |
ShyCityBros 