WEEK 7 // OCTOBER 22, 2026
WEDDING WEEK WITCHING HOUR
Six weeks into the season, Shy City has five teams at 4–2, two teams fighting to stay above water, and two men living in the basement.
And this weekend, nearly the entire kingdom is descending on Mexico.
It is wedding week for Preach and Julia. The boys are gathering in Riviera Maya, the drinks will be flowing, and fantasy football will be discussed at a level of seriousness completely inappropriate for a destination wedding.
Thursday brings Caleb Williams vs. Drake Maye, with diehard Bears fan Chabby sitting right next to Preach, whose fantasy fortunes depend on Caleb. Saturday, Preach gets married. Sunday, the boys will be hooting and hollering in the pool as the scoreboards turn upside down.
And if we get a real-life Witching Hour in the pool with Tres? That’s the kind of Shy City moment that belongs in the history books.
But first, we have five games to preview. And the biggest game of the week features the two worst teams in the league.
🐰 MATCHUP OF THE WEEK // HERM (1–5) VS. HOULE (1–5)
THE SEWER BOWL — SOMEBODY HAS TO WIN
There are championship implications across Shy City this weekend. This game has none.
Herm and Houle enter Week 7 with a combined record of 2–10. Herm has scored 718.58 points and surrendered a league-worst 912.56. Houle has scored 745.50 and just experienced one of the cruelest losses of the season.
Last Monday, Houle went to bed thinking he might finally have a win. Beans and Baby Cal went ten toes up, watched Purdy, McCaffrey and Kittle complete the comeback, and sent Houle to 1–5. 138.78–137.66. A 1.12-point loss.
Now Houle faces Herm, a man who has spent six weeks collecting injuries and rebuilding his team one waiver claim at a time. Herm insists his roster has been decimated by injuries. The Court acknowledges this. The Court also acknowledges one victory.
The most important injury variable is Lamar Jackson. If he returns and plays effectively, Herm suddenly has a legitimate weapon. Until his status and expected workload are settled, the Sewer Bowl remains difficult to handicap.
Houle, meanwhile, just spent $15 FAAB on DeMario Douglas. Apparently the missing piece of this franchise was another Patriots receiver.
And perhaps the cruelest part of the entire situation? Bru owns Houle’s 2027 first-round pick. Every Houle loss strengthens another man’s future. Herm is at least losing for himself. Houle is potentially losing for Bru.
Proposed FTSB: Houle -2.5 · PreachBot SU: Houle · ATS: Houle -2.5 (provisional pending Lamar)
The winner gets to 2–5 and enjoys a week of completely unjustified optimism. The loser falls to 1–6. One man escapes with dignity. The other becomes the official face of the Sewer. The ACT Study Group will be watching.
🇲🇽 PREACH (4–2) VS. BUG (2–4)
THE REVOLUTION VS. THE DRAFTMASTA // WEDDING WEEKEND SHOWDOWN
Preach is getting married. Bug is trying to ruin it. That’s the matchup.
Preach enters Week 7 with the league’s highest scoring offense: 944.36 points. He also leads in potential scoring at 1,074.90. Bug is 2–4 and has surrendered 931.02, second-most in Shy City.
Yet the live fantasy projection is nearly dead even: Preach 141.5 · Bug 144.1. That is a Bug +2.6 fantasy projection, not an FTSB line, and Bug’s lineup still requires a vacancy check.
On Thursday night, Caleb Williams takes the field against Drake Maye. Chabby, the league’s resident Bears fanatic, will be sitting next to Preach watching every snap. Preach needs Caleb. Chabby needs Drake. Both will somehow convince themselves they are rooting for Chicago.
Preach’s lineup revolves around Jonathan Taylor, Derrick Henry, JSN, DeVonta Smith and DK Metcalf. Tyler Warren’s status needs watching, and Jalen Hurts remains on injured reserve.
Bug counters with Kenneth Walker, Chuba Hubbard, Chase Brown, Amon-Ra St. Brown, Christian Watson and Sam LaPorta, with several health situations still to resolve.
Sunday brings the real spectacle: the groom, his league mates, ranch waters and a poolside scoreboard. Somebody will shout that Caleb threw a pick while somebody else claims the DraftMasta has finally discovered football.
There is also a certain decade-old Wrigley Field wager relevant to this rivalry. The Raven will save that story for another day.
Proposed FTSB: Preach -1.5 · PreachBot SU: Preach · ATS: Preach -1.5
The projections see a toss-up. The season-long scoring data favors the Revolution. PreachBot sides with the groom. Wedding bells or Bug’s revenge?
🛸 DRAG (4–2) VS. BEANS (4–2)
THE TINFOIL HAT VS. THE THRONE
Last week, Garth demanded more player coverage. His players responded with 82.40. Dead last. Mike Evans left injured, Bru summoned Louisiana voodoo, and Drag lost by 0.68. Garth was ordered to conduct the loser’s presser.
Naturally, his suspicions about PreachBot have intensified. Garth believes it may be operating on behalf of the federal government. He has apparently recruited Herm into the anti-PreachBot movement. They’re one blurry surveillance photo away from a congressional hearing.
Unfortunately for Garth, he now faces the model’s new championship favorite: Beans — 33.0% Belt odds. Beans leads Shy City in lineup efficiency at 90.4%. Drag remains efficient at 89.0%, but his weekly output is less convincing.
Beans brings Purdy, McCaffrey, Kittle and dangerous receivers. James Cook is on bye. Drag needs Patrick Mahomes, Ja’Marr Chase, his backs and potentially an injured Mike Evans to rebound.
Proposed FTSB: Beans -6.5 · PreachBot SU: Beans · ATS: Drag +6.5
Beans is steadier. Drag has enough talent to compete. The federal government has declined to comment.
🐊 GATOR (4–2) VS. BRU (3–3)
THE UNLUCKY JUGGERNAUT VS. THE VOODOO MERCHANT
Gator scored 148.48 last week. He lost. Bru scored 83.08. He won. This is why fantasy football should never be used as evidence that the universe is fair.
BDR emerged from his legendary puke presser, resurrected by Pepto-Bismol and a 203-point explosion. Preach cooled him off. Now he draws Bru, fresh off a win fueled by Louisiana voodoo and Mike Evans leaving Monday Night Football.
Bru reached 3–3 despite scoring only 713.06 points, the lowest total in the league. His greatest skill appears to be opponents suffering catastrophes at convenient times.
Gator’s deep roster still has serious firepower, but Trevor Lawrence’s bye and questions around Bucky Irving, Rashee Rice and Emeka Egbuka could change his lineup. Bru has Josh Allen on bye and Justin Jefferson’s health to monitor.
Proposed FTSB: Gator -13.5 · PreachBot SU: Gator · ATS: Bru +13.5
Gator’s season-long roster profile is stronger. Bru has demonstrated a supernatural ability to win games that should be thrown into Lake Pontchartrain. The House That Randy Built may need spiritual protection.
🐍 TRES (3–3) VS. CHABBY (4–2)
THE SEA SNAKE VS. THE FOUR-WIN FRAUD
Chabby keeps winning. PreachBot keeps getting suspicious. The Monkey is 4–2, riding three straight victories. He has scored only 755.66 points and owns the league’s worst lineup efficiency: 78.9%.
He has left more than 202 potential points on the bench in six weeks. And he’s still 4–2. If this is championship-caliber, the definition of competence needs revisiting.
Tres has won two straight and clawed back to 3–3. With Matthew Stafford, C.J. Stroud, Ashton Jeanty, Javonte Williams, Garrett Wilson and Trey McBride, the Sea Snake has weapons. His efficiency is only 81.9%, though, so neither manager should teach lineup optimization.
Both managers will be in Mexico. Tres is about to experience the greatest version of fantasy football: a real-life Witching Hour in the pool. Ranch waters in hand, touchdowns rolling in, and Chabby insisting his fourth straight win is inevitable.
Before that, Chabby will spend Thursday watching Drake Maye across from a loudly invested Preach and Caleb Williams.
Proposed FTSB: Chabby -2.5 · PreachBot SU: Tres · ATS: Tres +2.5
Chabby defies the numbers. Tres has momentum. Let the poolside Witching Hour begin.
👑 IRON THRONE INDEX // AFTER WEEK 6
100,000 SIMULATIONS · ENTERING WEEK 7
| House | Playoffs | Sewer | ACT | Belt |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Beans | 99.5% | 0.5% | 0.0% | 33.0% |
| Preach | 99.2% | 0.8% | 0.0% | 23.8% |
| Gator | 99.1% | 0.9% | 0.0% | 25.8% |
| Chabby | 86.4% | 13.6% | 1.6% | 7.5% |
| Tres | 79.6% | 20.4% | 1.9% | 4.7% |
| Drag | 76.4% | 23.6% | 4.0% | 3.4% |
| Bug | 38.5% | 61.5% | 8.5% | 1.6% |
| Bru | 14.3% | 85.7% | 27.5% | 0.1% |
| Houle | 5.8% | 94.3% | 21.9% | 0.1% |
| Herm | 1.3% | 98.8% | 34.5% | 0.01% |
Championship favorite: Beans, 33.0%. Strongest playoff odds: Beans, 99.5%. Biggest disconnect: Drag, 4–2 with 3.4% Belt odds. ACT favorite: Herm, 34.5%.
Beans rose from 23.15% preseason to 33.0%. Chabby is the biggest disappointment relative to preseason expectations. Preach remains a top-three Belt threat even with Hurts on injured reserve. Some teams should begin removing their preseason championship speeches from the refrigerator.
📊 THE STATE OF THE REALM
| Record | Houses | Situation |
|---|---|---|
| 4–2 | Preach, Beans, Gator, Drag, Chabby | Battle for the top |
| 3–3 | Tres, Bru | Fighting for position |
| 2–4 | Bug | Needs a turnaround |
| 1–5 | Houle, Herm | Sewer Bowl |
Preach leads in actual and potential scoring. Beans leads in lineup efficiency. Drag’s Week 6 performance raised questions. Chabby keeps winning with the league’s worst efficiency. Bug is running out of room to remind everyone how good his drafts have been.
🚑 THE INJURY WARD
Preach: Hurts IR; Tyler Warren watch. Bug: Saquon Barkley, Christian Watson, Jaylen Waddle, Chuba Hubbard and a lineup vacancy to check. Gator: Bucky Irving, Rashee Rice, Emeka Egbuka; Lawrence bye. Bru: Justin Jefferson; Josh Allen bye. Herm: Lamar Jackson. Houle: Jeremiyah Love. Drag: Mike Evans.
These are availability watches, not settled inactive designations. Final reports and lineups must be reconciled before kickoff; no speculative fantasy-point adjustments were added.
💰 THE WAIVER WIRE // DESPERATION HAS A PRICE
| Manager | Addition | FAAB |
|---|---|---|
| Preach | Michael Mayer | $9 |
| Tres | Tyrone Tracy Jr. | $20 |
| Houle | DeMario Douglas | $15 |
| Bug | Dallas D/ST | Free agent |
Preach adds tight-end insurance. Tres spends $20 to buy another chance at relevance. Houle hopes a $15 receiver can finally cover the 1.12-point difference that broke his heart. Herm and Bru continued defensive-streaming moves. The waiver wire is becoming an emergency room.
🤖 PREACHBOT RECEIPTS // THE MACHINE IS STILL WINNING
| Metric | Record | Win rate |
|---|---|---|
| Straight up | 21–9 | 70.0% |
| Against the spread | 17–13 | 56.7% |
| Direwolf | 4–2 | 66.7% |
Last week Bru +8.5 cashed the Direwolf outright. Garth maintains PreachBot may work for the feds. PreachBot maintains that a 70% straight-up record speaks for itself. These are the previously published cumulative receipts, not independently regraded historical lines.
🐺 WEEK 7 BOARD — PROVISIONAL
| Matchup | Proposed spread | SU | ATS |
|---|---|---|---|
| Herm–Houle | Houle -2.5 | Houle | Houle -2.5 |
| Preach–Bug | Preach -1.5 | Preach | Preach -1.5 |
| Drag–Beans | Beans -6.5 | Beans | Drag +6.5 |
| Gator–Bru | Gator -13.5 | Gator | Bru +13.5 |
| Tres–Chabby | Chabby -2.5 | Tres | Tres +2.5 |
Early Direwolf candidate: Houle -2.5. Final selection is conditional on Lamar Jackson’s availability and confirmed lineups. These are preliminary editorial spreads, not official FTSB or sportsbook prices.
⚖️ HERM’S WEEKLY APPEAL
The father of three enters 1–5. Playoffs: 1.3%. Sewer: 98.8%. ACT: 34.5% — highest in the league.
Herm has explained the injuries, the rebuild and why PreachBot cannot be trusted. This week, the Court has one instruction: Beat Houle. If you cannot beat the man whose losses are improving Bru’s draft position, there may be no further legal remedy.
Appeal pending.
🌴 THE FINAL WORD // MEXICO. MARRIAGE. MAYHEM.
Preach and Julia are getting married. Most of the crew is gathering in Mexico. Thursday night begins with Caleb Williams and Drake Maye while Preach and Chabby sit side by side. Saturday brings the wedding.
Sunday? The boys head to the pool. The drinks flow. The scoreboards recalibrate. Somebody screams about a garbage-time touchdown. Tres becomes the unofficial host of the world’s least professional live Witching Hour broadcast.
And somewhere in America, Herm and Houle battle to escape the bottom. One will win. One will lose. Both remain deeply familiar with the Sewer.
The wedding is coming. The Witching Hour is coming. And the Raven will be watching.
The Raven has spoken.
