THE WEEKLY RAVEN // WEEK 7 RECAP // OCTOBER 27, 2026
🇲🇽 WEDDING BELLS & SEWER CELLS
Preach gets married. Bug delivers a wedding gift. Beans runs wild. Houle scores 68. The Vikings are 6–0. And the boys return from Mexico with memories, hangovers, and a terrifying new ACT forecast.
🌴 MEXICO AFTER DARK
LOVE, LIQUOR & THE WITCHING HOUR
The kingdom gathered south of the border to celebrate Preach and Julia. Between ranch waters, a beautiful wedding and the boys invading the pool for a real-life Witching Hour with Tres, Shy City finally had a weekend more important than its imaginary football empire. At least until the scoreboards started recalibrating.
Garth was an absolute animal on the dance floor. The league’s foremost tinfoil-hat investigator apparently forgot every concern about PreachBot surveillance the moment the DJ started playing. The Dragon was unleashed.
Bru, meanwhile, recreated draft night in San Diego two years ago: as the party wound down, the Voodoo Merchant put himself to bed. Some men close the party. Bru simply decides when his own night is over.
🫘 BEANS 178.40 — DRAG 114.58
THE KING IS COMING. THE DRAGON IS GROUNDED.
178.40 points. A 63.82-point demolition. The highest score in Shy City this week and a terrifying declaration from the Belt favorite. With the Cowboys getting hot and a deep roster firing, Beans climbs to 5–2 and 37.51% championship odds.
Garth dances like a lunatic in Mexico, keeps questioning PreachBot’s federal connections, and takes another loss. A 114.58 performance was respectable. Unfortunately, Beans dropped 178.40. The government did not need to interfere.
🇺🇸 PREACH 130.04 — BUG 117.30
THE WEDDING PRESENT
Fine china, champagne, a beautiful card. Bug had plenty of wedding-gift options. Instead, he gave Preach a Week 7 W. The groom marries Julia, moves to 5–2 and celebrates with his friends in Mexico. Bug falls to 2–5.
The Vikings are 6–0. Preach is married. The Revolution is 5–2. And somewhere outside Wrigley Field, the clock tower keeps ticking on Bug’s thousand-dollar bet that he could win a Shy City championship within ten years. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
Preach thanks Bug for the thoughtful gift. No thank-you card necessary.
🐊 GATOR 152.28 — BRU 127.86
THE VOODOO FINALLY RAN OUT
Last week Gator scored 148.48 and lost, while Bru scored 83.08 and won. This week Gator put up 152.28 and made sure the math finally worked. BDR moves to 5–2 and keeps his 25.71% Belt probability alive.
Bru scored a respectable 127.86, but no Louisiana spell could erase the deficit. Between his 3–4 record and another early bedtime in Mexico, the Voodoo Merchant has important questions to answer.
🐍 TRES 147.82 — CHABBY 131.74
THE SEA SNAKE STRIKES
Tres makes it three straight wins, rising to 4–3 after a 147.82-point performance. There is no better setting for a Sea Snake comeback than screaming through Sunday’s Witching Hour in a Mexican pool.
Chabby drops to 4–3 despite a solid 131.74. His beloved Bears are giving him life, and Thursday’s Caleb Williams versus Drake Maye matchup made for fantastic viewing with Chabby sitting beside Preach. But the Monkey’s victory streak is over, and the model’s fraud investigation remains open.
⚖️ HERM 126.58 — HOULE 68.40
THE SEWER BOWL: A HUMANITARIAN CRISIS
Big Rig. Such a great guy. Such an unbelievably miserable football team. Houle managed 68.40 points in a superflex league and lost the Sewer Bowl by 58.18. One week after a heartbreaking 1.12-point loss to Beans, the offense could not even reach 70.
Herm moves to 2–5. Houle falls to 1–6, and Bru still owns Houle’s 2027 first-rounder. Every Big Rig loss is another gift to the Voodoo Merchant.
Herm used to insist five wins would reach the playoffs. Then it became six. Now three teams already have five wins, three more have four, and his playoff probability sits at 5.09%. The Court has requested a new explanation of the mathematics.
👑 THE IRON THRONE INDEX
100,000 SIMULATIONS // ENTERING WEEK 8
Five weeks of bluster have given way to a real title race. Beans, Gator and Preach now control 80.56% of the model’s championship probability. Tres is climbing. Drag owns a winning record but only a 2.96% shot at the Belt. The model is separating contenders from pretenders.
CHAMPIONSHIP ODDS
| HOUSE | BELT | WEEKLY CHANGE |
|---|---|---|
| Beans | 37.51% | +4.51 pp |
| Gator | 25.71% | −0.09 pp |
| Preach | 17.34% | −6.46 pp |
| Chabby | 7.75% | +0.25 pp |
| Tres | 7.46% | +2.76 pp |
| Drag | 2.96% | −0.44 pp |
| Bug | 0.81% | −0.79 pp |
| Bru | 0.38% | +0.28 pp |
| Herm | 0.07% | +0.06 pp |
| Houle | 0.02% | −0.08 pp |
THE PLAYOFF PICTURE
| HOUSE | RECORD | PLAYOFFS |
|---|---|---|
| Beans | 5–2 | 99.84% |
| Gator | 5–2 | 99.59% |
| Preach | 5–2 | 99.34% |
| Tres | 4–3 | 92.24% |
| Chabby | 4–3 | 85.43% |
| Drag | 4–3 | 72.66% |
| Bug | 2–5 | 23.96% |
| Bru | 3–4 | 20.35% |
| Herm | 2–5 | 5.09% |
| Houle | 1–6 | 1.50% |
🍽️ DINNER WITH SCHMUCKS
THE ACT WATCH
Some teams are playing for the Belt. Others are increasingly playing to avoid a standardized test. After Houle’s 68.40-point catastrophe, the ACT favorite has changed. Dinner reservations for Herm, Houle and potentially Bug are looking less hypothetical by the week. Bru, of course, also remains in serious danger.
ACT PUNISHMENT PROBABILITY
| HOUSE | ACT CHANCE |
|---|---|
| Houle | 31.63% |
| Herm | 26.69% |
| Bru | 19.60% |
| Bug | 13.95% |
| Drag | 5.42% |
| Chabby | 1.82% |
| Tres | 0.82% |
| Preach | 0.04% |
| Gator | 0.03% |
| Beans | 0.00% |
🤖 PREACHBOT RECEIPTS
THE MACHINE SURVIVES MEXICO
PreachBot entered Week 7 at 21–9 straight up, 17–13 against the spread and 4–2 on confirmed Direwolves. The provisional Week 7 preview correctly picked Beans, Gator, Preach and Tres, but disastrously trusted Houle to beat Herm. Four of five straight-up winners; two of five ATS.
If the published provisional lines count as the frozen FTSB board, cumulative results become 25–10 SU (71.4%) and 19–16 ATS (54.3%). Houle −2.5 was called an early Direwolf candidate, not a confirmed locked pick, so the official Direwolf ledger stays 4–2 pending confirmation.
WEEK 7 PICK GRADES
| PICK | SU | ATS |
|---|---|---|
| Houle −2.5 | LOSS | LOSS |
| Preach −1.5 | WIN | WIN |
| Beans −6.5 | WIN | LOSS |
| Gator −13.5 | WIN | LOSS |
| Tres +2.5 | WIN | WIN |
⚖️ HERM’S WEEKLY APPEAL
THE GOALPOSTS HAVE LEFT THE STADIUM
Exhibit A: five wins will make the playoffs. Exhibit B: six wins will make the playoffs. Exhibit C: Herm is 2–5 while six teams are already 4–3 or better.
The Court congratulates Herm on beating Houle. The Court rejects all further claims that playoff qualification can be negotiated through optimism, conspiracy theories or messages sent to PreachBot. Appeal denied.
🌴 THE FINAL WORD
THE WEDDING IS OVER. THE WAR CONTINUES.
Preach and Julia got married. Garth attacked the dance floor. Bru put himself to bed. Tres brought the Witching Hour to the pool. Bug gave the groom a W. The Vikings are 6–0.
Beans looks terrifying. Gator remains dangerous. The Revolution keeps rolling. Tres is surging. Chabby has work to do. Drag is still looking for federal documents. Herm is running out of mathematical explanations. And Houle is running out of points.
Seven weeks down. The Belt race is taking shape. The Sewer doors are opening. And somebody should start looking up ACT study guides.
The Raven has spoken.
